I was doing so good with my addiction that I began to think I was safe. I let my guard down and wasn’t being careful, which led to my relapse. I was working on a solo for dance, alone, in the basement, and a laptop was lying on a table. When I was done practicing, I was about to head upstairs, when I caught sight of the laptop. I remember standing there for what seemed like forever!
As I stood there, I began to feel panicked. I was torn between what I wanted to do and what I needed to do. I needed to go upstairs and tell my parents that there was a laptop downstairs and not even put myself at risk…but I wanted to look at porn again. I wanted that buzz that I knew I would get. I gave in, but I told myself that I was only looking at pictures this time, and I somehow convinced myself that that was not as bad as videos. Wrong! The pictures were just as bad.
I opened the laptop and went to google and, somehow, all the locks on it had been removed…coincidence? I typed in what I wanted to see, got my buzz, and went back upstairs. That one little relapse was all it took, and I spiraled down hill once again. All our hard work had just been thrown in the garbage.
The happiness that I had worked so hard to get back, left me within seconds, and the all to familiar dark feelings crept back in.
i thought i was being sneaky…
I didn’t get caught for a much longer time because I got better at covering up what I was doing. I thought I was doing a better job at hiding my emotions as well, but my mom and dad would tell you that they could tell a difference no matter how hard I tried to hide it. They could tell that I was losing my light, they just weren’t quite sure why. I didn’t tell anyone about the laptop and I only got on it when I knew there wasn’t anyone around. I had abandoned the pictures and went back to the videos, and would, eventually, descend into the darker stuff.
I began to draw my own pictures of things when I felt like the videos weren’t cutting it anymore. I LOVE to write! I think it’s so much fun and I like to see how creative I can get! People tell me how good I am and that I should write a book or something, but what they don’t realize is this…the thing that got me into writing in the first place was none other than porn. On top of watching videos and drawing pictures, I would write my own short stories; anything to get that buzz. Im glad to say that I do NOT write that kind of stuff anymore, but I still LOVE to write.
caught again…
I defiantly was not as sneaky as I had thought to be. One day I was at a friends house, and I had locked myself in their bathroom so that I could draw a picture. After I drew it, I tore it out of my notebook, ripped it ip, and shoved it into the garbage. Smart right? I thought so. That night; however, my mom approached me; she was crying.
She said that she knew about the pictures. She said that our friend had found them in her garbage because her dog had pulled everything out. Perfect timing right? It was no accident that their dog had just happened to go through the same trash I had thrown the pictures in, on the same day I had done it. My mom got my dad and together they talked to me about all that I had done.
They handled it calmly, just like last time, but they were also strict. They couldn’t just let me get away with it without consequences. If they did, then what would be the point of even confronting me? how would I learn? How would I ever get better? I told them about everything that had been going on, but I didn’t feel the same remorse I did the last time, and instead I felt annoyed. I didn’t care. I wasn’t sorry and I didn’t want to get better.
I Had completely cut God out of my life, after feeling like he had abandoned me. My parents could see that my light was gone and that I was ready to just give up at just ten years old. I had another relapse pretty quickly after that because I was purposely looking for a way to get porn. I found a way but got caught pretty quick with that one. The consequence for that one was being grounded for several months. I was so numb to any feeling at that point though, and could’ve cared less.
By the time I was eleven, my mom had started looking for AA’s and support groups for me, but it wasn’t until I was twelve that she finally found something.
see, Im human too!
Please don’t try and hide what you’re going through. Tell loved ones so that they can help you. that’s something I had to learn the hard way. I am writing these Diary entries in hopes that you will read them and learn from my mistakes so that you don’t have to make the same ones I did. If you’re reading this because you have already made these mistakes (or close to them), then my hope is that you will see there is a way to pull through! It is possible! I have made plenty mistakes and wrong choices throughout this addiction and Im sure I will make more, but I have also managed to get back onto my feet after every single one and keep pressing forward, and I know that you can too! Stay strong and keep fighting! 🙂
