What happened next?
- After I had watched the first video, it turned into one after another, and any desire I had to stop slowly faded away. I couldn’t bring myself to stop until my brother came up and told me dinner was ready. I had quickly exited out of YouTube before he saw what I was doing. After he went back down I turned the computer off and went down to join my family, but while I was eating, my mind was only one one thing. what I had seen. After that day, I continued watching videos instead of doing my school. Even as a young kid, I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop.
- As time went on, I watched more and more, going deeper and deeper into what I was watching. I could feel myself changing as I did this. I wanted nothing to do with my family, things I loved before, now seemed boring and pointless, and I was NEVER happy. This continued for almost a year!
- My brother was the one who first found out about what I had been watching. I was downstairs reading a book and he was upstairs doing school. About the middle of the day, he came down and quickly went to our basement, where our mom was. I didn’t think anything of it. I thought I had covered up what I was doing pretty well. I was wrong.
out in the open
- My brother came back up and told me that my mom wanted to see me. Again, I was completely oblivious as to what was going on. I went downstairs and found my mom sitting at her desk. She told me to sit down, then asked me if I needed to tell her anything. I said no. She was quiet for a moment then told me what my brother had told her. He had found out that YouTube was unblocked and was able to see what I had been looking at.
- I immediately began to cry and couldn’t look her in the eyes. She stayed calm and asked me how long I had been watching those videos. I said about a year. She was quiet again, and when she spoke, she was still calm. This really helped me calm down myself, and I felt safe and knew I could talk to her. If she had handled it any other way, I know I wouldn’t have opened up about anything.
- I was already feeling guilty and worthless. If she had yelled at me and told me how dissapointed she was, I would’ve closed myself off, and pushed anything I wanted to say back down. She told me that I had an addiction to pornography and as we talked we made a decision to talk to our ward Bishop. After our talk, she went upstairs and redid all the locks on the computer so that everything was blocked again.
getting help
- That Sunday, after church, my mom, my dad, and I went to meet with the bishop. I was a nervous wreck. Telling my mom was hard enough and know I was going to tell someone else who wasn’t even apart of my family! When we had explained the situation to our Bishop, he looked at me and smiled. He was calm and encouraging as he spoke to me, which, again, helped me relax and open up.
- He gave us a booklet that helps with recovery called LDS Family Services, Addiction Recovery Program and told us to give that a try. So every night, for several months, my parents and I would do a page together before I went to bed. I could tell right away that it was helping me. I could feel my testimony growing stronger, and for the first time in forever I felt peace and true happiness again! By the time I turned 10 I had been sober for several months.
my advise to you…
- Some people like to think that once you hit a certain point your addiction just leaves, and as great as that would be…they’re wrong. If you have an addiction to anything at all, it doesn’t even have to be to something major, that addiction stays with you forever. I know it sucks but it’s important you understand this. The more we fight back, the easier it will become to beat the addiction, and although we can never really get rid of it, we CAN get to the point to when it hardly ever bothers you again! And if an urge does come back, you can push it away with ease 🙂
- Once you hit this point, GREAT!! But please remember to be SMART. Just because you’re doing awesome does NOT mean you’re invincible now to triggers, thoughts, and urges. Never let your guard down, because the second you do…chances of you relapsing again are to great. Satan likes to wait for you to get arrogant and that’s when he strikes. Don’t take the risk. Trust me, I speak from experience.
- Don’t put yourself in situations that could jeopardize your sobriety! You’re going to have to work hard to beat this, but I promise it will be well worth it in the end!! Please remember to stay safe and stay smart 🙂
- YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
my challenge to you…
If you still haven’t told anyone about your addiction, please find someone you trust and tell them! I promise you that if you do, you will be amazed at how good it feels to finally tell someone. They can help you overcome this. They will be your strength in times when you have none left 🙂 If you have already told someone, then…tell someone else 🙂 Build a support group full of people who love you and will cheer you on!
Remember that you can come here anytime you need to as well. We are always cheering for you here! 🙂
