I loved going to my uncles rehab! I would count down the days until I got to go back because I loved having a support group! I loved knowing that I wasn’t alone, and that there were others dealing with this same thing, fighting to beat it. One experience I had there has stuck with me ever since, because it was such an amazing experience!
My mom, dad, and I showed up at the rehab one day, and instead of going into a separate room like we usually did, my uncle told us to go in the kitchen and get some food. We walked in and several people greeted us, handing us plates and told us to load them up. I can’t remember exactly what we had, but I do remember it being fantastic! 🙂
While we were eating, my uncle gathered up everyone in the building ( around twenty people ) and told them to take a seat in the kitchen. He then stood up in front of all of us and said that I was going to tell my story to everyone!! SURPRISE! I probably looked like a deer in headlights! I sat there in shock wondering if I had heard him right. Even my parents looked surprised. He told me to stand up where I was and say my name and why I was there. I put my fork down and got to my feet, nervous.
how it went
I told everyone my name and what my addiction was. Upon hearing that my addiction was to pornography, everyone in the room looked shocked. Just like the three women I had talked to several meetings ago, No one could believe that a Teen girl could struggle with something like this. I told them how old I was when it had started and everything that had happened leading up to that day.
When I was done, there was silence. I sat back down but my uncle told me to stand up again. He held up a big, gold, coin and placed it in the palm of his hand, saying that it was a recovery coin, ( I had gotten a silver coin the day we met with the three women ) then he gave me advice and some encouragement and passed the coin to the person sitting next to him, telling them to do the same.
The coin was passed around the room, every single person took a turn holding it and giving me words of encouragement and strength. Some where crying as they did so, saying that I really helped them understand how much of a struggle this actually was. My parents also took a turn with the coin, and soon it ended up in my hands. That day was the day I felt the most hope I’d ever felt. I was terrified to tell my story, but once I was done speaking, I felt relieved…like a huge weight had just been taken off my shoulders!
I went home that day, as happy as ever! It was so cool and I couldn’t wait to see them all again. I got down on my knees that night, and thanked Heavenly Father for the opportunity I had to be apart of such a cool experience! I had no idea that that was the last time I would see my support group again.
most depressing news ever!
The time I had spent there really helped me in my darkest times for sure! I was sober for a year and had no desire to watch porn at all. I was the happiest I’d ever felt. I began to talk openly to with my parents after that meeting at the rehab, and I would tell them every night how I was doing. One day, however; my uncle informed my mom that our meetings had to come to an end. He had merged with another rehab and that rehab wouldn’t let me come anymore.
When I heard the news, it crushed me. I wouldn’t be able to see my support group anymore. We were back to square one. No help at all. I tried my best to remain positive, and kept talking to my parents every night, but as time went on; I sort of slipped into a depression of sorts. I felt lost again and felt that all to familiar pit in my stomach. I started having thoughts of porn. Images of what I had seen kept popping In my head randomly. I would tell my parents that I was doing fine but I was lying. I didn’t tell them about the thoughts I was constantly having.
Eventually, I relapsed. I let my anger and sense of hopelessness, take hold. I found a way to unlock my phone and get YouTube. When I was alone, I would watch porn. I was caught pretty quick with this one but I fell into a pattern. Relapse, sober, relapse, sober…
14 years old
When I was 14 yers old, I began heading down a dark path. I would watch things that were awful and when I felt that those videos weren’t cutting it anymore, I went even deeper. I went back to drawing pictures when I needed a break from videos, and I hated my family and everyone else. I was so rude and so full of hate, I just wanted to be alone with my computer, or with my phone, or with whatever it was I had managed to unlock.
I started sneaking downstairs during the middle of the night, when I new that my parents were asleep, and I would watch movies and shows that had scenes in them or that were just dark in general. I would go through the books we had and would search through the pages for even the smallest kissing scene to give me my buzz that I thought I so desperately needed!
This went on for a long time, it wasn’t my longest relapse I had had, but it was without a doubt, the worst! My parents will tell you that my light was completely gone, I was always so snappy, and I hated everyone…including myself. I could no longer look myself in the eyes and say, “I love you.” All that hard work had just been thrown in the garbage.
I felt so dark and dirty all the time and I hated it, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop. I kept having the thought, “You’re already in to deep. Theres no going back.” what’s sad is that I believed it every time I heard it.
My advice
share your story with others! Find someone you trust and tell them what’s going on. You have people who love you and want to help you. Let them! 🙂
Anger, fear, resentment, any negative feelings at all, are what Satan wants you to feel! He wants you to feel hopeless, and past all help, but remember that it’s up to us if we chose to listen or not. No one can make you feel this way, and no one can make you relapse. It’s a choice. In my story you can see that I chose to feel anger and I chose to relapse over and over again. This is what Satan wants. I have learned the hard way, many times, that his way brings even more pain and suffering.
