By the time I was twelve, my mom and dad set up a meeting with my uncle, who helped run a rehab. When I heard that we were going to see him, I felt angry and afraid. I remember thinking, “Why do I have to keep telling everyone about my addiction?” The whole way to the rehab I sat, sulking, in the back of the car…super mature right? When we got to the actuall building and we sat down with my uncle and his partner that ran the rehab with him, I was very closed off at first and couldn’t look either of them in the eye for very long.
Towards the end of the meeting, my mom and dad left the room, and my panic started to rise. I was terrified. I didn’t want to keep talking to them. They were both friendly and calm, but they were also very upfront and helped me understand how serious this was. We talked for a little while longer, just the three of us, and by the time they let my parents back in, I had relaxed a little and talked more openly.
At the end of the meeting, my uncle held up a small mirror to my face and told me to repeat these words for one minute exactly, and to never break eye contact with myself. The words were so simple, and yet, I found them almost impossible to say. Any guesses as to what they were? The words that he had asked me to repeat were…I love you. It was a struggle and extremely frustrating for me! I would break my eye contact with myself before I even got to the word love, almost every single time because I didn’t love myself. I hated everything about me.
what happened next?
After that frustrating minute that seemed to drag on forever, they sent us home and told me that I had to do that exercise everyday until we met again. When they told me this, I thought to myself, “Why are they doing this to me?!” but, as we headed for the car, I couldn’t help but feel a small spark of hope. As the weeks went by, I would spend a minute of my time everyday standing in front of my bedroom mirror and saying I love you, over and over again. At first, I’m not gonna lie, it was a complete pain in my butt! I would get so frustrated with how fast I would look away from myself. I tried so hard to hold my gaze, but it was almost like my mind was working against me, refusing to let me look at myself.
As time went on, however, I noticed that it was becoming easier and easier to hold my gaze, and the words began to flow from my mouth and sounded almost convincing, instead of having to force them out. Eventually, I believed the words completely and I could say them with a big smile upon my face. I could look into my eyes without any trouble at all, and truly loved what I saw.
On top of these meetings with my uncle, I has also started horseback riding. I found it extremely comforting and I really bonded with my horse. I LOVED being around him, because I new that if I need to talk he would listen, and there was never any judgment in his eyes when I did. I tried extra hard to stay sober because I knew that if I relapsed I would lose my privilege of seeing him for a while.
feeling hope again!
I stayed sober for a long time since then, meeting with my uncle and riding my horse. I had also started to bring God back into my life. I was a little hesitant with that one for a while, not sure if I could. Or if he would even be there for me after all that I had done in the past. I realized pretty quick though, that if I was ever going to beat this addiction I NEEDED him back. The only way I was going to get through this trial, was by letting him help carry me through. He had never abandoned me…I had abandoned him. I had several meetings at my uncles rehab that will always stick with me. During one meeting, my uncle brought in three women and told them to sit down. Once they were seated, he asked them who they thought they were going to be talking to. They all looked at my mom and dad, and were shocked when they heard it was me. They couldn’t believe that a young girl could be addicted to such a grown up thing. They told me about their stories and I told them mine. They gave me some advice and told me that I could beat this. I loved going to the meetings at the rehab. I felt hope again, and loved that I had a support group! It was the first time I actually felt like I wasn’t alone!
my advice to you…
Find someplace where you feel safe and calm. Go there often and just relax and let your worries fade away. For me it was ( and still is ) the barn. Whenever I go there I know that I can just have fun and not worry about anything. When I’m stressed about something, going there helps keep my mind off of it, literally for anything at all! I find that when I’m at the barn, I have less thoughts of porn because I’m keeping busy doing what I love and being somewhere that just makes me happy. I know it might sound weird, but I promise, having someplace to go when things are hard or seem hopeless will help you relax, give you time to cool down, and regain strength and confidence in yourself ( even if that place is your closet 🙂 ).
