I want to talk to you real quick about something that comes with relapsing, that you may already know about, but it’s important to understand. Every time I relapsed, I not only hurt myself…I hurt my family and everyone else I loved. Especially my parents and their trust! Trust is one of the hardest things to earn back and every time I relapsed and lied to my parents, I lost their trust completely.
They couldn’t listen to what I said without questioning everything I was telling them. They couldn’t trust me to be alone with any computers or any technology. If I told them that I was doing fine and not having any thoughts or urges, they didn’t know if they could believe me and what I was saying. Even if I was telling the truth, it was hard for them to believe it.
The truth is, yes this sucks, but it was my own fault. Instead of telling them anytime I relapsed, or had a thought, or found an unlocked devise, I hid it. I lied to them over and over again, and when they finally found out about everything, they couldn’t believe anything I said to them.
Please listen closely to what I am saying. Trust is the hardest thing to earn back, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible, Im still working on earning their trust back. Just keep being honest and talk openly with your parents and loved ones anytime you feel a need for pornography or even if you have thoughts of pornography, I still have a hard time openly talking to my parents when a thought comes to my mind! Don’t risk losing their trust…believe me when I say it’s not worth it! Nothing is.
Finding fortify
As time went on, my mom grew tiered of the fact that there was no help out there for a teenage girl with a pornography addiction. One day she wrote a letter to The First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the Relief Society President, the Young Women President, and the Primary President, telling them about the situation we were in and asking them if they knew of any help out there.
The First Presidency replied quickly and told her about Fortify: A website designed to help adults recover from pornography addictions, but teens could join for free. When my mom read this, she decided that we needed to give it a try and hope for the best.
That night, when my mom told me that we were going to look it up, you can imagine the joy I felt…only problem was…I had none. I felt no excitement what-so-ever. I remember thinking, this is so irritating. Again I heard that voice whisper in the back of my mind that, “There’s no point. No coming back” and like always, I believed it.
Once we got on the website, we saw videos, tools, articles, and even a daily tracker to track my progress and how many days I’ve been sober for. There were small lessons that I would do that would explain to me everything that was going on inside my brain (all the chemical stuff) when I watched porn, they would challenge me to do certain things that would help me stay sober, and they would even tell me to have as little social media and technology as possible, always reminding me to stay safe.
We did this program every night and as time went on, I found myself feeling hope again (for like the hundredth time) and that dark feeling was slowly disappearing, being replaced with joy and light. I found Fortify EXTREMELY helpful! I was sober for quite a while, until I relapsed one day and had to restart the program.
At the top of the Fortify page, there is a spot that shows you how long you’ve been sober for, and everyday that number goes up. When you relapse, it will reset the count back to zero and start over. You can also keep a journal on the website, and journal about how your day went and if you made through the day without looking at porn. I found that to be SUPER helpful too! I completed the whole program, but I still go back every couple days and fill out my tracker and journal, and see what my progress is. Since my last relapse I am currently 197 days 8 hours 47 minutes and 19 seconds sober 🙂 My goal for tomorrow is to make it 198 days. One Day At A Time.
i strongly encourage:
Please check out Fortify! It has truly helped me with my sobriety and feeling good about myself! If you haven’t already then go on and try it out!
