In this post, I’m going to tell you about two times I admitted what I was doing before I got caught. Both times were different experiences and both times were ridiculously hard to do! It’s kinda dumb how hard it can be to be honest instead of lying and covering it up! But in the end, it’s ALWAYS the better option and is ALWAYS worth it.
MY FISRT ( AND HARDEST) EXPERIENCE…
When I was about 13/14 years old, I was finishing up with some last minute assignments for school in my room – with the laptop – and was just finishing up, getting ready to shut the laptop off, when I heard one word that caused me to pause, any guesses as to what that word was after reading all of my story? The word was simple yet almost scary, it was…check.
It was clear as day in my head and you’d think I’d learned my lesson after the last several times of listening to it. That should’ve been a huge red flag! I should’ve immediately shut the laptop off and ran away, but instead of doing that, I paused.
Glancing at my cracked door then back at the laptop screen, I caved and went to safari, typing YouTube into the search bar, and – no surprise – it was unlocked. Now this is where things got crazy…the second I saw that YouTube was unblocked I started to visibly shake. I remember watching as my hands shook violently…this had never happened before. Next came the loud yelling in my head.
Still to this day, I can remember the voice that filled my head, screaming at me to look at porn. And when I say screaming, I mean screaming! It wasn’t the small little, “Oh I’ll just look for a sec and then turn it off” thinking that I usually got, it was a voice screaming at me to look, telling me that I needed to look at it right now. I continued to shake as a nasty feeling filled me up, the voice still screaming.
I was pretty scared at that point and just sat there. Pretty soon after the loud voice came, I heard another voice. This one was quiet and gentle. It told me to close the laptop and take it down to my dad, that I would be okay. The voice was encouraging and loving…the complete opposite of the other voice. The gentle voice coaxed me again to shut the laptop and take it downstairs. Still pretty shaken up, I decided to listen to it and shut the laptop. That small second of shutting it felt like forever! The yelling voice grew even louder but the second I shut it, the voice was gone. Instantly.
I remember closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, my hands had stopped shaking as well, I jumped off my bed and practically flew down the stairs to find my dad. I gave him the laptop and told him everything that had just happened. He told me that he was proud of me for coming to him and that he would get the locks back into place.
That night, when I went to bed, I said a prayer full of gratitude to Heavenly Father for sending that angle to help me. I slept amazing that night! I can still remember that day clearly after all these years.
PRETTY CRAZY HUH?
That was the only time I’d ever felt like that. It was a literal battle in my head. I’m still so grateful that I chose to listen to that quiet little voice that told me everything would be alright.
SECOND EXPERIENCE…
This experience isn’t as crazy haha 🙂
This one happened last year actually, I was 16 years old. Somehow I had found out that I could get to YouTube on my phone in the weirdest way ever! I had the app GroupMe and I used it so I could see what assignments I had for my Seminary class, one day one of the other kids posted a link to a video of a church song, I didn’t even bother opening it for the longest time because I knew I couldn’t see it…or at least I thought I knew.
I still don’t know why I did it, but one day I clicked on the link and was surprised to find that it opened to YouTube. For some reason I couldn’t get to YouTube any other way on my phone other than this one particular link. I couldn’t even open other links I had, it was just this one…weird right? And of course I figure it out! hahaha 🙂 I had been using that link for a couple months since then.
I only looked at porn twice while I was on it and somehow I convinced myself that that was awesome! doing so good! Only problem was the obvious ones…first being the fact that I even looked at porn, the second being the fact that I was still hiding it from my parents. That right there tells you that even though I told myself I was “improving” I knew what I was doing was still wrong. One day – a Sunday – we were at my grandparents house doing a big family church lesson and my grandpa was teaching it. I can’t remember what it was that he said but I do know that whatever it was, it hit home and about halfway through his lesson I grew really uncomfortable. I hoped the feeling would go away but it didn’t and if anything, it grew stronger.
Later that night I went to a church devotional by myself. I sat at the back of the room and tried to pay attention but I couldn’t quite concentrate. That feeling was driving my insane and my grandpas lesson swan through my memory. It was towards the end of the devotional, my knee was bouncing with nerves, when I finally realized what that feeling was for. It was because whatever my grandpa had said, it made me realize I should confess to my parents what had been going on with my phone. I needed to tell them.
I pulled out my phone and started typing a message to my mom, but I quickly deleted it several times! Thoughts of shame and fear crossed my mind. I couldn’t tell them whats been going on! They would be so disappointed in me! I would feel weird telling them, I didn’t deserve to tell them…those thoughts filled my head and I almost backed out of sending the text completely, but the feeling of being uncomfortable ate at me. that was the worst feeling!
I had to force myself to send the message to my mom, I told her that I needed to talk to her and my dad as soon as I got home from the devotional. She replied letting me know that they’d be waiting. The uncomfortable feeling eased a little bit.
When I got home I told them what had been happening and how I was able to get onto YouTube. They went through my phone and took off GroupMe and sure enough I could no longer get into YouTube. As I talked to them all my fears melted away. Those thoughts that I’d had went away. My parents didn’t look disappointed at all! They looked proud. They encouraged me to open up about everything and told me that they loved me. I was so relieved to get everything off my chest.
I’M NOT PERFECT BY ANY MEANS HAHA 🙂
Just like the first experience, It was freakishly hard to go to my parents and tell them what was happening. I had thoughts that tried to stop me from doing it but I was able to push through them two times and tell them anyway. I’m still working on telling my parents anytime I relapse. during my nine years battling this pain in the butt addiction I’ve only had the courage to tell them twice! It’s hard to do the right thing sometimes. One of my favorite quotes says the following, “Doing the right thing isn’t always easy – in fact, sometimes it’s real hard – but just remember that doing the right thing is always right.” – David Cottrell.
This is a hard battle but I know that I can beat this. So can you! We’ll work on beating it together 🙂 Remember to be brave and listen to that voice that tells you everything will be okay. Trust it.
You’re going to get through this! Start being open with the ones you love and trust, and let them help you!
