#1 – How Can I Tell If My Child Is Looking At Pornography – My Story First – Step #1
For us here is our personal things we noticed and didn’t understand until it was to late…. as well as 7 more common signs for you to look for.
First let me be clear this is our story! I will tell it like it is and how we feel. IT is not an attack on anyone or thing its just our story.
Okay so first of all what our first sign should have been and we failed at miserably was how much Brooklin wanted to watch Twilight. Yes, thee Twilight, which I personally love! Love the movies and love the books, however my view has changed a bit. Why… well because it was definitely, we believe Brooklins opening gate to awakening her 5th addiction chemical in the brain. Yep, the visual, which we believe woke her sense of exciting feelings/arousal; that tingly sensual feeling as adults we all love. For an 8 year old this is a problem! So as she would watch it over and over (you can read all about it in her story, click this link) I began to feel uncomfortable with it. My mom did first, then I started to, but I wasn’t sure why so I ignored it BIG problem!!! Eventually I stopped ignoring it and finally made her stop watching it. Again still not sure why I felt the way I did. (later I learned it was the kissing scenes she was so desperate to see) I just thought it was a cool movie.
The other signs that quickly followed, but I chalked it up to just a teen girl being a stinker; was her lack of wanting to be with the family, her snappiness, not wanting to do the things she loved like be with friends, her siblings, read and so on… These were the things we noticed. Oh and her light, her glow around her seemed dark like her ora or spirit was dim. Something just didn’t feel right and we couldn’t place our finger on it.
#2 – What does your child’s browser history look like?
If you have never looked at your child’s browser history, do it now! (One in ten visitors to porn sites are under the age of 10!) Keep in mind your browser’s history rarely tells the whole story. For example, if a child has started looking at porn in secret, they may have Googled how to hide it. That said, an empty browser history is also one of the signs a child is viewing porn …Confused yet?
To help you make better sense of all this, I recommend installing an internet filtering software program. These programs allow you access to viewing history that has been deleted from your computer’s hard drive. (I personally love Apple comps and iPhones as they have the best parent locks ever in my opinion, no I don’t get paid to say that. Its the only stuff we use now)
For ME once we learned the truth, it didn’t take us long to learn every time we saw frozen pictures/videos had been searched on our computer, even with it being locked down, We knew immediately somehow something was unlocked and she definitely had been looking at porn. She had this pattern, sometimes it was just her testing her self to see if she could stay off. Usually it was to cover up what she had been looking at prior. We also learned if the history for the day was deleted we KNEW she was looking again, no matter what she said!
#3 – Is your child spending copious amounts of time online, especially at night?
First, I cannot stress enough, NO CHILD NEEDS ACCESS TO THE INTERNET AT NIGHT!!! Again, filtering software programs are an essential tool to help keep kids safe (or just apple and there amazing locks!) Find a program that allows you to “pause” the internet at bedtime. Decide on an appropriate schedule and stick to it. (personally I do NOT allow tech in my kids rooms AT ALL NONE! all devices are turned in at bed time, they don’t even have TVs in there room, and no I don’t care if this makes them mad)
You’ll also want to determine reasonable amounts ofscreentime for individual family members throughout the day. Consider both homework and entertainment needs. If you notice a child constantly looking for ways to breach the family contract this may be one of the signs a child is viewing porn.
#4 – Have you noticed your child taking a device into the bathroom?
I am not saying this is the only reason someone might take a device into the bathroom. However, the inherent privacy (lock on the door and all) does make the bathroom an easy place to look at porn without drawing extra attention.
One young man says that his mother used to wonder why he suddenly started taking 30-minute showers. The truth is, he wasn’t showering at all! He ran the water as a cover and used the time to look at porn on his laptop
Establish safe internet practices in your home. Be honest and forthright with your kids. Explain that using devices out in the open is for their continued safety and protection from pornography. Hiding the use of electronics is one of the signs a child is viewing porn.
My Brooklin would not be able to use her phone as she would usually have it fully locked down (sometimes I have done things to accidentally unlock it 🙁 ), but she got creative, she took in paper and pencils instead and drew what she was desperately needing to see but couldn’t watch due to the locks. This was at the age of 14 years old! We just thought she was carrying her stuff in there to go pee at a mentors home 🙁 NOPE
#5 – Does your child quickly change the screen when you enter the room?
Unless your child is planning a surprise party for you, then this is a pretty good indication whatever was on the previous screen was inappropriate. You need to investigate further. Switching screens is one of the signs a child is viewing porn.
Sit down with your child and have a heart-to-heart. Ask pointed questions about their online behaviour. “What kind of activities do you do online?”“Do you chat with anyone you’ve never met in person?”“When was the last time you saw pornography?”Try to keep your tone neutral! If the only message your child hears is, “You’re on the computer too much” or “Don’t look at that website,” it will become a point of tension, and your child will likely shut down.
When ever we catch Brooklin we stay calm we talk it through and if she doesn’t lie she doesn’t get a consequence other then restrictions online, and things locked down. If she does lie we give consequences for lying lose of privileges and so on. Because we stay calm and tell her we love her and just talk through it and have her tell her “AA” Fortify AA group, she has created, she continues to do better and even tells us every day, every time she even thinks about it. This helps us to help her learn what is actually triggering the thoughts or desires to want to look and see if there is a way to avoid it. Sometime though its just random, no rhyme or reason and it just happens! But we NEVER make her feel bad about the visuals that pop in her head or the momentary desire to look. We just Hug her love her and help guide her the best we can.
#6 – Has your child started to exhibit sudden changes in behavior?
This is a HUGE one. Children who have been exposed to pornography often start acting out in a variety of ways. This could include physical outburst such as hitting or punching. Or sudden use of vulgar and demeaning language —especially towards the opposite gender. (For Brooklin she never behaved this drastic, it was just a simple change of her attitude, grumpy, not wanting to be with the family, not wanting to be with her horse, read, play with friends, play with siblings we just thought it was teenage stuff, which was not normal for our very sweet, kind to everyone, fun loving girl!)
Children who have been repeatedly exposed to pornography may even act out sexually. Reports of child on child sexual abuse have risen drastically over the last several years.
None of these behavioral changes should be ignored. Even subtle differences could be one of the signs a child is viewing porn. Talk to your child. Point out what you’ve noticed. Ask them how they are doing. Explain why you are concerned and why the behavior is inappropriate. Don’t be afraid to ask if they’ve had any recent experiences (online or offline) that have left them upset or confused.
#7 – Has your child begun to withdraw from regular social activities?
One of the signs a child is viewing porn is they are no longer happy participating in activities they used to enjoy. That’s because porn hijacks the brain making the user feel like nothing else is important or exciting. This could mean that interest in sports or hobbies declines, playing with toys or imaginative games becomes dull, and hanging out with friends and family is irritating. We saw this a lot with Brooklin
Children who have been repeatedly exposed to pornography may even act out sexually. Reports of child on child sexual abuse have risen drastically over the last several years.
Interestingly, one of the main ingredients to overcome a habit of porn use is to focus on outside interests and improve the relationships that matter most in your life. As children grow their interests may evolve. But they should always have something that inspires them and connects them to other human beings. (We saw this first hand with Brooklin and her horse! He was her saving grace!!! As she couldn’t look any more she spent more and more time with her horse. If she is sad, happy, angry, stressed she now turns to him verses porn (usually, relapse can happen its just part of it). She has learned to love to read again and now keeps her self very busy with not only school but horses, hobbies, reading and so on, she like my self has learned keeping busy is very helpful in fighting addiction.)
#8 – Do you notice your child is constantly sad, moody or depressed?
Other worrisome signs a child is viewing porn include constant oversleeping, physical exhaustion, or changes in eating habits. These are often cries for help. Do not ignore them! We are not saying that pornography is the only culprit of depression. However children addicted to pornography often describe themselves as feeling numb or void of joy.
When a child searches for porn it’s guaranteed they will find content which is more extreme than they could have ever imagined. Within a few clicks a young child can be introduced to violent and abusive portrayals of sex. They are left feeling shocked, sickened and confused. And yet compelled to search again and again. When they realize what’s happened they feel trapped, desperate and alone. (Brooklin by 10 was looking at very dark things. Did I mention she was 8 when she started looking, by doing online school and the computer was unlocked. We as stupid parents thought our sweet innocent girl would never look at porn. So we NEVER checked, it wasn’t until 9 when she got caught the first time and NO there is nothing wrong with her, she was just an innocent kid who saw a terrible thing that even an adult Brian can’t even quite looking at so how is kid supposed to???)
Our daughter experienced the depression of shame, guilt, even disgust with herself. We must not shame our kids. We must teach them to not be ashamed of their self, especially our daughters. We need to make sure they know they are special, loved, and so worth it.
Let me just say thank goodness for the Gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!!!!!!! and Thank goodness for Love and Logic!!!!! and Fortify!!!!! Without these three things we would not be were we are today!!!!
