One of the most important things to know now, is you can’t fix this for them. There is no quick or easy answer. Trav and I have sometimes asked ourselves the same thing. But just like us as teen addicts we know it has to be their choice! DON’T GIVE UP though! Even though you can’t make the decision for them or force them you can still help.
Trav and I both have a very lengthy background in teen age addiction as well. We have learned a lot about us and our big circle of friends doing what we were doing. So with our lovely experience we knew that it was important to let her know we loved her, to provide her with consequences and to STAY CLAM and OPEN allow her to tell us everything and to stay calm and talk through it with her.
Show them you love them unconditionally!
Your teen daughter (and I am sure son) is already beating herself up, she is already sooooooooo ashamed of her self, disappointed in herself, even disgusted with her self at this point. And probably feeling so much anger and resentment in every way.
She doesn’t need you to make her feel worse. She doesn’t need you telling her how disappointed you are in her. Or that she knows better or that she’s better than this. Telling her these things only makes her feel worse. Give them a hug and let them know you love them and you will get through this together some how.
Stay clam!!!!
What every you do. Don’t yell at her/him, stay calm, we would tell her we were so sad for her but that we loved her, and yes that we would know talk and assess things and decide what action to take together. We stayed calm which allowed her to not be afraid to admit when she either saw it or thought about it (most of the time)
Disapline
When ever discipline was involved we used a lot of prayer, love and logic, and tips from the Fortify program we found and just our own experience.
Each time there is a relapse we assess each one. They’re not all the same. If she would come to us and tell us what happened we would not punish her but would talk about how she saw it, what she saw and what could we all do to help it not happen again. Yes that has come down to over time removing all apps that are social apps as well as the internet app its self. Her phone is fully locked down and we cheek it ofter. Many will say well they have to learn to be in the world, well consider a teen brain isn’t fully developed until mid 20s NOPE sorry I disagree with you and 9 years of this tells me I am write. Take it or leave it, you decide what is best for you.
Now if you she lies to us and gets caught we stay calm again discuss the situation and hug her but then the consequence for sneaking and lying is given. Wether thats grounding to the house, lose of phone, cleaning the whole house and so on it is a case by case situation and one trav and I talk about and we decide on ( pray for guidance often plays a role)
Open communication
If you want this to get better one day, If you want to stay close to your teen or maybe grow closer then you ever been before… You must have open communication and respect for each other. Your teen needs to know that when they relapse and they will probably a lot, they need to know that you still love them and that they can tell you anything. Everyday we sit down with our daughter and ask her how she did today, how often did she think about it. When she tells us she saw it or thought about it we try to help figure out what was it that triggered it, a song, movie, tv, commercial, someone outfit out side, or just pain boredom and so on. Then we talk about what should be done if anything from that. Some times the simple answer is just to keep talking about it out loud. Sometimes we realize we need to stop watching a show, and so on. The more you talk to each other the better you can fight this.
Learning to be open to others is huge too. The sooner they realize they don’t need to live in shame and the sooner they open up to others they can trust the more people they can turn to and talk to and the more people who can call them out on their BS and yes this is so important. Fortify gave us a great way to create that “AA Support Group” when could find any where else.
Be willing to make the changes in your life and home needed
I am always amazed when a parent says things like, “Well, they need to do this but I don’t.” or “They just need to learn to live in the world around them.” If you have a child with a porn addiction and your watching a show or movie with sensual scenes in it, Um sorry but good luck beating this in your home. They will watch it when ever your aren’t looking! If you have books that have hot scenes they will memories what books and what pages to read to get a fix! YES even twighlight gave our daughter that fix. Assess your entertainment in the home, tv, movies, music, books, what is in them what is the messages…. I am here to tell you from experience they will find it and get a fix any way they can if its available! Again what make you think a teen should just learn to beat it when not even most adults can just avoid and beat it these days???? Be willing to make the changes in your home to give them a safe place to be, cause yep outside your home there is no safe place so don’t they deserve at least one??? If you take the time to assess and pray you will always be lead to what is best. Remember you know what’s best for your child, this is just what we have learned for our family over time.
The Last Thing You Need to Know about Helping your teen
Every child is different! Don’t think what worked for your son will work for your daughter. Although what I talked about above can be for both each child is different so again I highly recommend to playfully consider what is best for each individual child.
You can do this, you can help them to a point, more so then an adult due to their age. You can’t do it for them! You can do this together though.
